Last letter to my daughter.....!

Dear Sarah,

It wasn't quick my dear. Every minute was like an hour & it was you who made it even more difficult for me. Your thoughts, your smile, your love was pulling me back from killing myself. But its too late dear I can't stop myself. I wish I could tell you dear that how much I loved you. My wild thoughts even persuaded me to take you along with me. But I couldn't. I wanted you to live, not that the way I lived but the way you wish to live. Poisoning myself was not so painful even when it started to spread & bring me down I didn't feel any pain. But when the last minutes started to tick & your memories started to flow like a river through my mind, the pain was unbearable. Its now that I know, that parting was so painful.

My heart started to pound more than usual, I could see my veins trying to get out of my skin. Eyes that have seen you grow till now have started to blur out my dear & the urge to live is getting more even though I know that its too late. I wish I could see you in my last minute my dear.

The day you were born, I still remember. When I had my first glimpse on you I saw that how much you had of me in you. Those blue little eyes as mine, a bit long nose as mine & small ears as mine. You were mine just mine. When I first held you in my hands & kissed you in your forehead. You smiled, you smiled in such a way that the whole world would smile & forget its sorrows. That’s what you did that day, from your single smile. You took my sorrows away dear. You were a gift to me, your were my life. I started to build dreams about you; I found a reason to live. But its the same reason why choose to die today my dear.

It’s beginning to get hard to think. Its the poison, its hitting me hard & breaking me down. I pulled down my seat in the car. I saw your childhood DVD lying below. I grabbed it played it in the car. How beautiful you were dear, full of life, full of joy, and full of smile. I could see every good of this world in you. It was your first steps that I was watching; I was holding you tight with my both hands; as you kept your first steps. You were holding me tight as if to tell me "Don't leave me dad". Your little hands were clinching on me. After a few steps you turned around & giggled looking at me & then With you small little hands you hugged my legs holding it tight. I took you in my arms & you wrapped your little hands around my neck & you started to kiss me. As if trying to tell me "Be with me forever dad, be with me in my each every step of my life”. I wish I could have done that dear. But now it’s too late to return.

My heart, it feels like someone is piercing a dagger again & again into it. Its the poison telling me that, only little time is left for me. Dear remember "I love you", I love you more than any dad in this world have ever loved a daughter. Your were my life & your are my life. But today I have to go. I will be waiting for you to be born again as my daughter in future, where I would try to be a better father dear. For now forgive this father of yours; for all the sins that I have done.

With love,
To my loving daughter
Sarah.....!

Obese & Starving India.

A Minute To Realize.

A thought struck me while seeing a person throwing chicken curry into the garbage.
I know you may be wondering what is there in it. Yes, there's a thought rather painful.

This incident has an age of 4 years & this still continues. It was a April I was in Delhi during my vacation. My dad was there during that time. Sunday a day for enjoyment. Dad said me to buy some chicken & I know don't u must be wondering why the hell am I saying all these craps to you but hold your patients my readers Please. Soon I moved to shopping complex with ma friend. I went in to a shop bought chicken & while looking around in the shop I saw a guy walking unto the shop. He got in front of the counter asked for chicken waste for his dog & this guy pretty much explained me about his dog. How healthy it is & how wealthy he is to feed his dog chicken every day. I got my stuff & moved back to house. Had my food & it was evening, I took a walk back to the shopping complex.

I had a pretty not good day. So, I sat there alone in the steps in front of the chicken stall. Soon a saw a boy walking up with a dirty shirt. Half torn shorts. Still he had a smiling face in him. I wondered what made him smile this much & thought when I could smile like this.
The boy moved towards me & passed near to the chicken stall. He asked for chicken waste & I wondered why he was buying those. He grabbed it & still holding that smile even wider, he ran back from where he came.

Time passed on. After few hours I saw him with some other untidy messy kids playing, having fun, & after some time I saw them raising hands and begging to the people who were coming out of the shopping complex. Then i started to realize that they were street children. In our words "BEGGARS”. In a richer view "a bunch of people who are pulling the India back from growing into a superpower, just because they don't let their tiny piece of land to the futurist". I started to night I still sat there & watched them. Then I heard a small talk from them. The kid I saw early asking other...”Oy tune aj kya kaya"....??? I still remember the way of style he used to ask that question to his friends. I exactly din hear what those boys gave as replay but I do heard what he said after that...”Yar aaj special tha..Chicken". Should have seen the bright face he had while saying that. But after hearing that my smile got sucked up in. I ran over to the chicken stall & asked the shopkeeper. "Did that boy buy chicken waste in the morning to eat" he said yes I still couldn't believe. Parts that we say YUCK is what he took back. Then the stall man understood that I was confused. He later explained to me that this is what is happening in the streets & in most parts of our country. "You have money so you eat chicken as special & they don't have money so they eat chicken waste as special" said the man with a smiling face but i couldn't digest that smile. I was hurt I thought all comforts that I have & compared with theirs. I was in the verge of tears. I then found Ganhiji words true “if you really want to see India at its best you have to find it in a Bhangi cottage" how true he was.

Every day you complain, raise voice over mother, father or servant just because you didn't get your favorite food or u didn't like the food. Just think about them, the so called untouchables in the past & now called as beggars in the present. Feel how lucky we are & feel how luck were are that we have nice clothes to wear. Feel how lucky we are because we have parents who give us food which we like. Think of a day u eat chicken waste instead of those long list dishes made in chicken u get from restaurants. Unthinkable right well this is what most of the street Indian children eat when he celebrates his birthday. Think of your birthday & this is what every street Indian child eats, when he celebrates the nation’s Independence Day, Ramzan, Holi, Diwali, Onam every special eve.

Dear readers it a minute to realize what world we are living. It’s the minute to realize what we have done & what we should do from now own. I can’t say to u what to do. But if u wish to do something it should come from your heart. I request to my fellow readers (Actually I don't even have one) to through off their luxury for 1 sec. Come out of it, step outside from your luxuries cars , AC Rooms and feel the real India. Soon u would realize that those smiles you see aren't real. It’s so much pain within them. Every time u see a child knocking your cars window "U comment bloody beggars". Just think if it was your son, daughter or brother. They are beggars & that’s why you are richer.

I don't say u to just give one rupee per month just to show you care. This can be changed if we put in all over one rupee coins together. People it’s the minute for us to realize that we are the reason why they are not developing. People it’s the minute to realize that it’s high time we should join our hands to help them come up. They are our brothers, Sisters, father & mothers because somewhere in our life journey we forgot that we all came from one womb.

Thanks & Regards,
Jaknap htaras

Mahatma Gandhi ?

I don't know why, for the past few days I am acting crazy.....
Some of the forgotten thoughts came back & they are haunting me even in my dreams...
& the girl whom i awaited these years doesn't recognize me any more.
Hmm.. Its funny that how fast girls forgot & i wish i could do that ..
Still thoughts of hers make my dreams a sweet dream.
But I am afraid that some day i would become a dream if my life goes this way...
My dreams & visions to build a new world where there is only love & peace all over....
I now doubt whether these would come true or will these be dream itself.
Even if i die, my only wish is to die trying it.

The World, a whole of a lie.
Yes, Every person has his on dark sides which is often unknown to many..
Last day I read about Gandhiji, a person I respect the most, but from last few day onwards I started to doubt his divinity. I came to know that he slept with many young girls. Just to test his level of temptation as I would say. If we think in one way, there is nothing wrong in it, he just tried to prove that he can overcome his sexual thoughts. But still 99 percent from my view i see a wrong in it.If he had done that he should have the courage to say that to the outside world. Not just leave it inside that ashram. I don't know whether his followers or other who suppressed this story just to show him as a divine creature. As many of our history is been manipulated & given to us.

I know there is no point of saying these things here but still . I am a crazy person in nature.
As many of my friends say it & I do agree with them.

I had a vision to build a new world & I thought of adopting gandhijis way of peace & non violence.
When I started to study about him the first thing came up was this. Now its getting hard for me to concentrate on him. Every time I start reading some thing about him my mind start to say " STOP IT, WHY DO U WANT TO READ A MISTAKE WHICH HAVE WRITTEN TRUTH IN IT"
This question still starts to mumble in my head.

Another fact I read was that he don't like black people. I saw a video in youtube. Where a white guy comes in starts to speak a lot of shit about Gandhiji & he said this that he din like black people.I was agitated & thought of writing something in the comment. Then I waited & took a breath.I just tried to figure out the events. Then i realized that when Gandhi was in Africa. He fought for the fellow Indians true. But there were many black who were suffering a lot & why was they ignored in the eyes of human loving persons. Why, din he see them or he really hated them & ignored them. I came to know that in many parts of a book Gandhiji's hatred towards black is been proved by his own writings. Whom do we trust now. I now feel that he started all these freedom fight thing just because he was ill treated.

Well I dont hate him, but at some level I started to loose that respect that I had with in me.
Still my dreams to build a new world will not die & I still wish to achieve it through Mahatma Gandhi's way of peace & non- violence.

Thanks & Regards,
Jaknap htaras