Dear Sarah,
It wasn't quick my dear. Every minute was like an hour & it was you who made it even more difficult for me. Your thoughts, your smile, your love was pulling me back from killing myself. But its too late dear I can't stop myself. I wish I could tell you dear that how much I loved you. My wild thoughts even persuaded me to take you along with me. But I couldn't. I wanted you to live, not that the way I lived but the way you wish to live. Poisoning myself was not so painful even when it started to spread & bring me down I didn't feel any pain. But when the last minutes started to tick & your memories started to flow like a river through my mind, the pain was unbearable. Its now that I know, that parting was so painful.
My heart started to pound more than usual, I could see my veins trying to get out of my skin. Eyes that have seen you grow till now have started to blur out my dear & the urge to live is getting more even though I know that its too late. I wish I could see you in my last minute my dear.
The day you were born, I still remember. When I had my first glimpse on you I saw that how much you had of me in you. Those blue little eyes as mine, a bit long nose as mine & small ears as mine. You were mine just mine. When I first held you in my hands & kissed you in your forehead. You smiled, you smiled in such a way that the whole world would smile & forget its sorrows. That’s what you did that day, from your single smile. You took my sorrows away dear. You were a gift to me, your were my life. I started to build dreams about you; I found a reason to live. But its the same reason why choose to die today my dear.
It’s beginning to get hard to think. Its the poison, its hitting me hard & breaking me down. I pulled down my seat in the car. I saw your childhood DVD lying below. I grabbed it played it in the car. How beautiful you were dear, full of life, full of joy, and full of smile. I could see every good of this world in you. It was your first steps that I was watching; I was holding you tight with my both hands; as you kept your first steps. You were holding me tight as if to tell me "Don't leave me dad". Your little hands were clinching on me. After a few steps you turned around & giggled looking at me & then With you small little hands you hugged my legs holding it tight. I took you in my arms & you wrapped your little hands around my neck & you started to kiss me. As if trying to tell me "Be with me forever dad, be with me in my each every step of my life”. I wish I could have done that dear. But now it’s too late to return.
My heart, it feels like someone is piercing a dagger again & again into it. Its the poison telling me that, only little time is left for me. Dear remember "I love you", I love you more than any dad in this world have ever loved a daughter. Your were my life & your are my life. But today I have to go. I will be waiting for you to be born again as my daughter in future, where I would try to be a better father dear. For now forgive this father of yours; for all the sins that I have done.
With love,
To my loving daughter
Sarah.....!
